||A Dubya victory? America tanks, music fans rejoice
Today is Nov. 7, 2000. We know this because our calendars tell us so. As we check said calendars, we also find that today is the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November of an election year. This means that today people all around the country aged 18 and up will go out to their precincts and vote for their officials of choice. We'll weigh all the issues very carefully. We'll consider the character, record and capabilities of each candidate. We'll take into consideration past administrations and the vision of the future offered by each choice. And then we'll go into that voting booth, pull the curtain and vote for the best-looking candidate.
It happens every time. Come on, would you rather vote for a bloodhound-jowled five-o'clock-shadowed Richard Nixon or a dapper, young, devil-may-care John Kennedy? A young-at-heart, personable, good-ol'-boy Bill Clinton or a stodgy, bitter, crippled Bob Dole? Let's face the facts. The people of America don't want a capable president. They want Elvis. And if he happens to be a capable leader, that's an added bonus. But this year I'm afraid we'll have to really think.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are dangerously teetering on the verge of electing Forrest Gump as our next president. The votes are split right down the middle between a wooden, impersonal, capable, qualified and strong-minded servant of the people and a happy-go-lucky, amiable, Bible-thumping, sheltered, unqualified alcoholic governor of Texas. I cannot stress to you enough that your patriotic duty is at stake here: voting for Dubya is dangerous for the country.
But it's good for rock ‘n' roll.
Hey, when were the best rock songs written? Under repressive, closed-minded, conservative presidents. Look at Bob Dylan. He wrote the greatest songs in rock history during the terms of Richard Nixon, a lying warmonger who bent the Constitution over a coffee table and used it like a schoolgirl. Under Ronald Reagan and George Bush the Elder, thrash metal, electronica, hardcore rap and grunge rock were given birth. What did Jimmy Carter give us? Disco and Dan Fogelburg and Barry Manilow. What did Bill Clinton give us? *N Sync, Britney Spears and Ricky Martin.
Just imagine what would happen if we elect Dubya today. Let's take a look at his strong points. According to Bush the Younger, only Christians can enter the kingdom of heaven. This means a huge influx of angry Jewish and Muslim music, as well as from religious groups that don't even believe in heaven. Bush's running mate, Dick Cheney, doesn't support Head Start, an organization that helps give poor children up to age five encouragement in academics so they can perform well once they begin school.
This means a whole lot more children growing up illiterate and disillusioned and creating angry rap ‘n' roll hybrids we haven't even dreamed of.
Let's also imagine the sad songs Elton John will write about young boys lost to cancer from the pollution Bush not only permits but encourages, Bruce Springsteen's ballads about angry people whose jobs have been lost to oil companies' downsizing and the resurgence of Naughty By Nature after the quality of poor black life goes in the toilet from Bush's neglect.
In short, the next four years should be a wellspring of great music in our disheveled and mangled country. We'll elect a drug-addicted apathetic unqualified Daddy's boy who can't pronounce "unacceptabababable" and the tunes will spring forth.
So let me tell you, today I'm voting Bush. Then I'm moving to Australia. I'll download your misery off Napster.
David A. Pollack can be reached at email@example.com