Jones' outrageous demands only harms race relations A grate man once said, "Get off of the grate, you lousy kids, you're gonna let the gator loose." But it was a great man who once said, "Read your mail and answer it - for the mail is like the wind, except the wind doesn't require a stamp."

Every so often (like every three years or so), a reader becomes so engrossed in my column that they feel the need to write me. Being the busy guy that I am, with geese to feed in Lullwater and a 52-year-old married woman that I'm seeing in Buckhead, I don't always have the opportunity to answer my readers. And so, it's here - in this public forum - where I will begin a new segment in my column titled: "Adam Reads and Responds to His Reader Mail" (abbreviated: ARRHRM, which is almost like ABRAHAM, but not quite).

Dear "Adam,"
Where do you get the ideas for your columns?
Keep up the good work!
Morty from Michigan

Great question! Well there's this nasty little word called "plagiarism," but I like to call it "paying tribute to," and basically I get all my columns from Amos Jones' archive of unused pieces.

Dear Nervous Habits Guy -
You're always trying to be funny in your columns, and I hate it. Why can't you ever be serious?
Serious in Sarasota

Good point! Sadly enough, I actually suffer from a disorder known as "Grandfather Trapped in Young Persons Body Disease" where I have this incessant need to make really corny jokes despite my urge to be a quote-unquote serious person. For example, I was tempted to answer your question by saying, "I can't be serious, I'm Adam." It's terrible, I know.

Dear Adam,
Your columns always seem to end so naturally. How do you come up with your endings?
Rob Springer, Roswell

I bet you thought I'd say: "Like this." That's how I usually do it.

Adam Roberts is a junior from Boca Raton, Fla.